There must be more that I need to learn

A few weeks ago, I was sitting in the stands at Markel's football game talking to my sweet friend Kelly who had come to watch. It was the first time we had gotten to spend time together after our baby passed away. I was crying my way through explaining where my thoughts were and how I was doing. Some words slipped out of my mouth that I didn't even know were there.

"I just don't get it. I wasn't fearful or worried about a miscarriage. I trusted God completely with my baby's life. This wasn't even on my radar."

What I meant was, why would God take this baby away from us when we weren't lacking in faith? Doesn't he give us hard/painful circumstances when "he needs to teach us something" or "we are lacking in faith"? (like Christian Karma or something) Haven't we learned enough through the past 4 1/2 years through infertility, miscarriage, and incomplete adoptions?

I didn't know I thought that way about God. I didn't think it was true, but a lot of times if we aren't super on guard, we will let those little lies direct our hearts instead of God's word.

example of Christian Karma: (not sure if you've heard something like this from 'super Christians'):

"We didn't do fertility treatments. The Lord gave us a baby naturally because we trusted him." FALSE. We have to test these lies with scripture. 

Right when the words came out out my mouth, I knew I needed to go to Him for the answer. What is God's heart towards the suffering? I know he loves me. I know he is for me, but does he allow suffering for the sole purpose of teaching me lessons that I'm not understanding? I think the bottom line question really is: God, are you good? In every circumstance, are you good? If you are completely in control and really sad things keep happening, are you good? 

I started thinking about examples of suffering people from His Word. The two examples I thought of were Joseph and Job. (I take awhile to get through scripture, so there may be some more after that.)

Here's what I found:

Both Joseph and Job trusted God. Both of them went through incredible pain and suffering. God LOVED them and remained steadfast to them through it all. God didn't allow the suffering for the sole purpose of "teaching them a lesson." He had SO MANY purposes in their suffering. The biggest purpose: to know and glorify God. When I say that, don't heard me say they were failing at knowing God so he had to bring suffering. Don't hear me say that God was punishing them for their lack of faith/knowledge/etc. What I am saying is: God used the EVIL in their lives and turned it to GOOD. He is not responsible for the evil. He hates evil. But he is in control and uses evil for his good purpose. Because he is that in control. He used the evil/pain and molded their hearts. He used the evil/pain and saved tons of lives (through Joseph). He used the evil/pain and showed them his faithfulness. He used the evil/pain and allowed them to experience his favor. He used the evil/pain in Job's life and inspired millions of Christians to persevere through the trials trusting our Good Father. I could go on and on.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

****This does not say "all things are good" but that God works all things for good. Miscarriage/death is evil and bad. God will work it for good.

"For he (God) does not afflict from his heart or grieve the children of men." Lamentations 3:33

****God doesn't delight in the suffering of his children. He cares. He mourns. He loves us like crazy. 

But he is sovereign and allows his children to walk through the fire to produce in us what could not be produced apart from the fire--new hearts that hope only in our Father. He also has a billion other purposes in our suffering.

The biggest reason I know that God doesn't allow suffering because we are lacking in faith/trust/understanding is Jesus. Jesus did not suffer because he was lacking in anything. He suffered so that we could have a relationship with our father and a life of purpose. 

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Therefore, I will stop trying to figure out the Lord's purposes. I will keep pressing in to know his heart. I will keep fighting the battle against deceptive lies and FOR truth.

God didn't allow our baby to die to punish us or teach us a lesson. We will never know all the purposes. But we can trust his Heart. We can trust that he mourns with us and loves our baby more than we do. He WILL use this evil for good. And one day, death will be no more.

Our hope is not in another baby. Our hope is in our good good father.

Good Friday Reflections

I love this illustration by C.S. Lewis. I hope the Lord will use it to speak to your heart.

(summary by Jake Rainwater)

“In the midst of all of the wonderful storytelling that is The Chronicles of Narnia, one scene from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader has done more to help my understanding of what it means to follow Christ than any sermon, book, or class that I have ever taken.

The scene involves Eustace, a nasty little boy whom everyone hates. Eustace is selfish, mean, quick-tempered, and positively horrific in his treatment of other people (which sounds a lot like me sometimes). Despite this, Eustace finds himself on a ship in the magical land of Narnia. While on this adventure, the crew of the Dawn Treader dock on an island, and Eustace wanders into a cave filled with treasure. Eustace immediately decides that this treasure will make him rich, and with his newfound power he will seek revenge on any and everyone who has ever slighted him.

What Eustace does not realize is that the treasure is actually the hoard of a dragon (which all treasures in caves are -- come on, Eustace; read a book!). He falls asleep on the treasure and wakes up to find himself transformed into a horrific dragon. Immediately the gravity of the situation is made evident to him. He cannot go back to the ship. He will be left on the island all by himself to live out his days as a terrible monster with a treasure that is utterly useless.

Eventually, the great king of Narnia, Aslan the Lion, appears (as Aslan is apt to do) and leads Eustace to a pool of clean water where he orders him to strip down and jump in. Eustace realizes that Aslan means for him to shed his dragon skin, and begins to scratch off the scales. To his horror, he realizes that there is nothing but more dragon skin underneath. Aslan eventually tells the boy that he must be allowed to dig even deeper. Eustace later recounts to the crew what exactly happened:

I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now… The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt…Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off- just as I thought I’d done it myself the other three times, only they hadn’t hurt- and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobby-looking than the others had been… Then he caught hold of me…and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment…Then I saw…I’d been turned into a boy again.” (by Jake Rainwater on Gospel-Centered Resources for Midwestern Seminary)

I’ll return to this analogy in a second…

Three nights ago, I simply lost it. After the kids were in bed, I sat in the floor and poured out my not-so-pretty heart to Paul.

Our family had just experienced an amazing spring break at the beach where my son finally decided to start calling us mom and dad, we were relaxed and carefree, and we were feeling good about where our family was. Then this week hit HARD. Melt-down after melt-down… after trauma response…after trauma response…hour after hour….mean word after mean word (on everyone’s part). Through it all, I had not been very patient, kind, or compassionate. I was mad. I was mad at my kids, and I was mad at myself. By Wednesday night I was done for. Where was all of that progress we had been seeing? Why were we back here at these epic meltdowns? What was I doing wrong? How could I fix this? Why did I keep losing my cool? Why can’t I just remain calm and speak to them the way our therapist and every adoption book I’ve ever read tells me to?

As I poured out my heart to Paul, I couldn’t even believe what I was saying. “I feel like this year I’ve become a terrible person. I used to have everything together and be a good person, and now it feels like I am just terrible at life. I don’t know how to parent them...I don’t know how to fix this.”

Paul reminded me of the gospel when I couldn’t remember it/believe it for myself. He reminded me that Jesus’s plan for my life doesn’t include making me feel good about my accomplishments and how well I can keep everything going. Jesus wants me to see the reality of my dark and sinful heart. He wants me to see that even in my best moments when I am remaining calm and using all of those “buzz words” with my kids, (Ex: insert calm voice: “Honey, I can not let you do that because I have to keep you safe…. I am waiting for you to tell me where your homework is, and when you are ready let me know….Take a little bit to calm down and then come let me know when you are ready to talk….”) I STILL have a sinful heart. I STILL need Jesus’s strength, words, peace, patience, and kindness. You see, sometimes I can “get it right” on the outside and on the inside, feel really good about my accomplishments. Not realizing that God doesn’t want me to clean the outside of the cup. HE wants me to allow/ask HIM to clean the INSIDE of the cup. (He is way more interested in my heart than in my words…granted they usually go together…but not always.)

So, that’s why I have been thinking about the analogy of good ole’ Eustace above from the Chronicles of Narnia. Eustace became aware of his nasty scales and tried to scratch them off by himself. (me too) But, it didn’t work because they went SO DEEP. (me too) The only one who could get them off was Aslan. (The King) Removing the scales hurt SO BAD when The King scratched them off. It was PAINFUL. But, it was his ONLY hope at experiencing LIFE, and Aslan was a good king. He wouldn’t let him stay in his mess. He wanted more for him.

Why do we remember Good Friday? Because DEATH to sin has to come before abundant LIFE.

Jesus, the holy one, the perfect King, died as a payment to God the Father for MY sin. (The sin that goes so much deeper than “losing my cool”…The sin that I CANNOT scratch off for myself because there is always more underneath.) He died in MY place. (“The wages of sin is DEATH”.) –Romans 6:23

My good King is peeling off my scales one at a time through parenting my kids. And boy, it is painful and disgusting. It’s embarrassing to admit and see all my sin on display. But it leads to LIFE. Death to sin must happen before LIFE to the full. And it’s a process.

The rest of the verse is why we celebrate Easter…

“but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” –the rest of Romans 6:23

Death is not the end. Jesus offers new life to those who would confess their sin and trust him as their only rescue. The moment we receive his grace and put our faith in him, he doesn’t look on us and see our sin, he sees his perfect son who is now our righteousness. He also promises to continue to clean the INSIDE of us by scratching the scales off one at a time.

Good Friday has to come before Easter-Death before life. God has a way of mixing things up like that.

February 2016

God wants the real us with our real hopes and desires and struggles to come to him. God tells us in his word that he likes to give good gifts to his children and that we should ask. (Matthew 7:11)

Paul and I have been asking and trying to have a biological child for the past 2 1/2 years.. We have had one miscarriage, and the Lord has not answered that prayer.

The Lord has blessed us with two children that we couldn't have dreamed would be ours.. As they were so far out of our vision for our lives. But Jesus knows better than we. We thank him for our two babies. Sometimes his answers are way different than we would ever imagine. :)

Still Paul and I ask the Lord for a biological child.. You see, I never wanted to have a biological baby as I looked around the world and saw so many orphans..I just never thought I would do anything other than adopt. And then three years ago I prayed and asked Jesus to change my heart towards biological children if that was his will, and he did. The confusing thing is.. He still hasn't given us a child and no doctor has seen anything wrong with either Paul or me.

So that leaves me here-
1-Jesus still calls me to ask and keep asking for a child and believe that he CAN give us one. (I do not believe it is biblical to say that he WILL give us one...more on that in a second.)

2-So far God's answer is no. Does this make him unloving or uncaring? The bible (which I believe is the only source of truth) says absolutely not. The bible tells us that for Christians, God uses ALL things for good.. Suffering, blessing, etc. Not only does God use all things for good, but he also has sympathy and compassion on his children who are hurting. (Psalm 34:18-the Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit)
However, God appoints times of suffering for our greater good. He loves us more than to give us everything we want or think we need. He cares more about our hearts than our comfort.

3-Jesus himself before getting murdered on the cross asked The Lord if there was any way that he could be spared going to the cross..
JESUS asked for his suffering to be removed from him and God answered no.
Was this because Jesus didn't have enough faith in his prayer? No, it was because God's rescue plan depended on Jesus's suffering in our place.

So here we are.. Having no clue what the future holds (literally, zero clue.)

And trusting our good good father to give us the strength to endure, the faith to trust when we cannot for the life of us see the "good" in infertility, miscarriage, and pain.
Failing to trust, losing sight of God's character.. And being held by his grip forever. The best news of my life: my relationship with God is NOT based on how well I believe.. It's based on Jesus's perfect life, death, and resurrection. Jesus is my rescue. (Of those whom you gave me, I have lost not one. -Jesus in John 18:9)

So we journey on. I am a new person because of these past three years. Suffering has a way of keeping you on your knees before the Lord and for that, I'm thankful.

It's not all lollipops and smiley faces...it's better

Welp, 6 months has passed so I supposed it's time for a blog post.. :)

We expect to be officially a family of 4 with all the same last names HOPEFULLY before Thanksgiving. Obviously, we will not be putting all our eggs in that basket, but that's the plan. We are just waiting on some DCS paperwork in Nashville, and we will be getting a call soon with our court date for the adoption, which will make it final. Our kiddos will leave the court room as Fortenberrys. What a day of celebration!!!!! Praise God!!!!

As I say that it seems opposite of my ongoing inner dialogue for the past 6 months as a new mom of a preteen and 9 year old. What.the.heck.am.I.doing. is usually the phrase going through my head each night..Why? Because this stuff is CRAZY. Fostering, adopting, parenting kids of trauma...it can make you a crazy person. It is so exhausting. My babies have seen more horribleness, experienced more trauma, felt more pain, had more abandonment, neglect...etc. than I have even allowed myself to THINK of. We find out more of their story day by day. Honestly, the trauma they have experienced is not even shocking anymore. We know that we have LOTS more to learn about what they have been through, what more of their fear triggers and trauma responses are, and where else they need us to carry their burdens with them...and that's exactly what we will do until the day we die. Because they are OUR children. We choose them, even when they don't want to choose us, even when we don't FEEL like choosing them. Seven months ago I wouldn't have dared choose to parent and love kids with "this much trauma and baggage," but Jesus has done a work in my heart. He has called me to be a part of his redemption plan, and he is giving me the strength to do so. It is worth it. This is why I can celebrate our new family of 4...It's hard..It's messy...and it's a privilege.

With that said, most days Paul and I literally feel like utter failures. What are we even doing? I don't think this is a bad place to be. I think our response to when we are in that place (which is literally all day, every day) is the important part. Do we go to Jesus in prayer and beg him for help? Or do we try to muster up some strength and keep going? Usually I try to make myself stronger, I try to come up with plans, I try to change my kids, I try to change myself....It doesn't work. Why do I try to change hearts and change lives when I know that's God's work?

"To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood...." Revelation 1:5

The same MIGHTY God that brought me from death to life, awakened my heart and gave me purpose, set me free from the bondage of sin that I didn't even know I had....He's the one in charge here. And he will be faithful. He has to be. That's WHO he is.

I have absolutely nothing to offer apart from His grace, His mercy, His compassion, His patience. He is ALL I have. And he's what this whole adoption/parenting thing is about anyway. God doesn't make us parents so that we can be comfortable and live out the American dream. He makes us parents to give us another way to bring Him glory and to show the world who He is. He makes us parents to make us more like him. He makes us parents to be a part of bringing heaven to earth. He makes us parents to play another role in his kingdom. What a privilege.

One way God has encouraged Paul and me in this whole process is through the work he has done in our daughter's heart. When she moved in with us, she couldn't tell you one thing about God. She definitely did not have a relationship with Jesus, and she didn't pretend to. Since then we have had ongoing conversations about who Jesus is, and she is always so honest and raw. She never tries to pretend she gets it. She just asks questions. About a month ago after a conversation about the gospel and how we become followers of Jesus when we admit our sin and trust that he's the only one who can rescue us from our sin because of what he did on the cross...she wanted us to pray with her. She accepted Christ as her only hope. Now, I am oftentimes a little hesitant about children becoming Christians, because a lot of times it seems like an emotional response or a "trying to please mom and dad" response. Let me tell you friends. My daughter loves Jesus. She wants me to pray with her and read her bible. She hangs on to every word in it. She asks raw questions. She struggles with sin and submits to Jesus's word. She has a desire for the Lord that makes no logical sense. She was NOT brought up to love him or even know him..But GOD is bigger. He has changed her heart and has brought her from death to life. She is a daughter of God. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My favorite quote from my daughter.. K: "It's not even fair that Jesus would have to die, when he's not the one who did anything wrong."

Amen sister. That's GRACE. Which is what K's middle name will be on adoption day. :)

So here we are...a family of 4 (and very soon legally..) just trusting in His plan. Failing daily and hoping in Christ every second. He's all we have.

Mother's Day

Last Mother's Day was probably one of the hardest days of my life. It was a year and a half after we starting trying to have a biological child, 3 years after the Lord called us to begin our Ethiopian adoption journey, and about 2 weeks after our confirmed miscarriage. I was a wreck. I was struggling hard core to believe that God was good, faithful, merciful... I knew the scripture.."God works all things for our good," but I so doubted it in my life. I couldn't piece together how a good and faithful God could allow so much heartache, perceived hopelessness, and pain. The sayings that people said to try and help me feel better "everything happens for a reason" and "God has a plan" were less than helpful. I needed a heart transformation. That's what God did in my life.

Inside I was a mess...I knew the "God head knowledge" really well, but couldn't make myself believe it. I couldn't make myself believe the rights things (God is faithful) and to stop believing the wrong things (God is harsh, unloving, only gives me hard things, etc). During this time God showed me that he wanted the real me...masks removed...honesty...crying out for rescue. This is NOT a comfortable place for me. I seem to like ideas/beliefs/behavior that are nice, clean, and presentable. I was feeling none of those "nice and presentable" things inside. For the first time I understood that the Lord wanted me to be real about what was going on inside and was not interested or impressed by a "pretty outside" with the perfect Godly response to my suffering.

I cried out to my rescuer and He answered. God took my brokenness and doubt and replaced it with trust in His faithfulness. He showed me that I can believe his character. I can believe that He IS working all things for my good, because He is faithful and has to be..or he would cease to be God. He showed me that he cares deeply about my pain. He also showed me that he will not abandon me, because I am His adopted daughter through Christ. My relationship with Jesus grew like crazy. I stopped pretending I was ok, and I starting asking for GRACE and RESCUE..not from my circumstances but rescue from my unbelief. I wanted so desperately to believe God's promises. He changed my heart so that I could. He allowed me to see Him through the suffering. I sat and cried tears with friends who were also suffering because I knew the feeling, I was honest in a room full of my young life girls about my need for Jesus's rescue in this painful time and watched them begin relationships with our rescuer, I held on to God's character and trusted his faithfulness more than ever before because Jesus became my only hope. I was changed. Jesus did not promise children to me. He did promise he would not leave me and that He is faithful. Here's an update on what that looks like NOW.

On Good Friday (which happens to be the day I found out I was pregnant and probably miscarrying last year), two kiddos came to live with us. Through a series of CRAZY events and obvious God plans, we came to believe that another piece of God's story for our family included fostering to adopt a 9 year old girl and 12 year old boy. They swam for a swim team that one of my childhood friends coached. They went to school in my school system that I teach in and that Paul and I grew up in. Their teachers are family friends. The boy LOOKS LIKE Paul. :) We prayed for them to have family way before we thought we were that family. DCS would not approve our home because it didn't have enough rooms, so we decided to try and sell it..It sold in 12 days in the middle of a snowstorm. God told my sister they were our children the moment she saw their picture and before she knew one thing about them. A friend donated a Harley to help us pay for a house downpayment (which of course was not in our near plans). God kept telling Paul and me to "take the next step" and so we did. NEVER IN A MILLION years would have considered fostering "older kids." The list goes on and on. 

Our kiddos have now been with us for a month. I can't believe how much I already love them. I can't believe that this is real life. I can't believe how exhausted and emotionally drained I am. I can't believe how faithful my Jesus is. I will continue to cry out to Him. I need my rescuer every single day. It's a sweet Mother's Day. Let me not forget God's faithfulness through it ALL.

"God uses all things for our good"

This post is probably not going to be what you are expecting. The Caroline a year ago would have a very different blog post about that verse in the title than the Caroline does sitting here right now. Let me explain. A year ago (or 5 years ago), I could have told you what Romans 8:28 said "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." I could tell you that God uses EVERYTHING including suffering to make us more like Jesus. I know this "head truth" very well. I often looked at others' suffering and thought about how they needed to know this truth. It was that easy. If you know this truth or believe this truth, then suffering makes sense and you should be ok because you should just "trust God."

I sit here writing this blog post with a very different understanding about that verse. Do I still believe that God uses everything, including suffering, for my good? Yes. However, I do not believe that simply  believing this truth makes everything make sense or makes everything better. If I am honest, I didn't think much about God's heart in this verse. It was more just a truth that I easily accepted, because I had not been through any experiences to make me struggle with the implications of actually accepting it as a truth in my life.

Now after 3 years of waiting for our Ethiopian babe, year and a half of trying to have a biological child, and a miscarriage, this verse is not as easy to swallow. I cannot easily accept it. It brings me to a place of confusion, sadness, and seeking the Lord for answers. You see: "This is for your good" is a terrifying statement without an understanding of the one's heart who makes this promise. This is where the Lord has me….seeking to know my Father's heart behind this verse.

When you are hurting, the world tries to put a band-aid on you to make you feel better. The typical human response is to say something to the effect of "it will get better," "God has a plan," "Don't worry..you are so young. You have plenty of time." etc. I think the reason we respond this way is because we don't want to go to the hard places and struggle with the Lord. It's easier to offer up a word of encouragement and move on than to cry tears and place ourselves in someone's shoes who is suffering. The problem with this ignoring and avoiding pain is….it's a bandaid. While I know we have good intentions in trying to make people feel better in their suffering, it is not what we so desperately need. We need Jesus. We need to know and trust our Father's heart in the midst of suffering.

Here's what Jesus says. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:3-4

Who are the poor in spirit? Those who know they bring nothing to the table but brokenness and desperate need. Those who know they cannot hold on to God, but need God to hold on to them. Those who have come to the end of themselves and know they are not "more Godly than" or "more religious than" but simply are broken and honest about how much they need a rescuer.

So why do we try to help people out of being "poor in spirit" and keep them from "mourning?" Because it's uncomfortable. Because it's painful. But, it's where we find Jesus.

I love how Brennan Manning says it in The Ragamuffin Gospel.

"Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. It does not distance us from God, but draws us to Him-as nothing else can-and opens us anew to the flow of grace. While Jesus calls each of us to a more perfect life, we cannot achieve it on our own. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace. It is only through grace that any of us could dare to hope that we could become more like Christ."(GRACE=God's unmerited favor toward us)

I have never in my life doubted God's goodness as much as I have the past year. I have never struggled to believe his promises as much as I have this past year. I have never cried as many tears as I have this past year. I have never struggled with God's faithfulness as I have this past year. I have never had to rely on the fact that my right standing before God is based on Jesus's perfect obedience and sacrifice in my place as much as I have this past year. I have never been so grateful that my walk with Christ is about Him holding onto me and not me holding on to Him as I have this past year. I have never been so thankful that God's story throughout the bible is all about His faithfulness, and not his children's faithfulness…how his children are saved because of God's choice, God's work, God's calling, God's faithfulness..not them getting everything right.

So, currently I am asking the Lord to teach me more of His heart.

I can't pretend to understand how this season is a picture of God's faithfulness completely..I feel sad, broken, and even hopeless at times. In all of this, Jesus calls me "blessed" because I am definitely poor in spirit. I don't feel blessed a lot, but each day I am learning to trust my Father's heart more and more. I am a ragamuffin desperately needing his grace and mercy. In this season, he has made this very apparent. He has also made it very apparent that he won't leave me. He will continue to be faithful, compassionate, and pursue me with His relentless love, even when I don't feel it.

From now on, when I hear of someone else's suffering, I will take the time to listen and cry with them instead of being quick to speak. That's what we need..permission to be broken and friends to remind us that God wants the real us, with our real pain, our real brokenness, because he is our rescuer and loves us with a never-ending never-giving-up kind of love. Not because we believe him perfectly, obey him perfectly, but because He chooses to love us no matter what.

Jesus is better… Lord, make my heart believe.

That song. It's sooo full of truth. If you aren't familiar with it, here are some of the lyrics..

In all my sorrows, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
In all my victories, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
Than any comfort, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
More than all riches, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
Our souls declaring, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
Our song eternal, Jesus is better - make my heart believe

Glory, glory, we have no other king
But Jesus Lord of all

And that's exactly where I am..beginning to believe and live those words in life right now. JESUS IS BETTER. 

It's been a long 3 years.  3 years ago in May, Paul and I went to Ethiopia for the first time on a mission trip.  We fell in love with the country and people and knew the Lord told us our children were there.  We knew it wouldn't be an easy process, but we obeyed. When we submitted our paperwork in June 2012, it was about a 24 month wait until referral (seeing your children's medical info and picture for the first time). We have now been waiting 24 months to see those sweet faces for the first time, and the wait is now 36-42 months.  I could get into the details of that, but I won't at this time. It's so unsure. It's so scary. It's so not comfortable. It's so heartbreaking.

That's part of the story.

The other part of the story is that the Lord literally changed my heart a year ago. I never thought I would have biological children, because I desired to have a house full of adopted children.  One day Paul told me he also desired biological children if the Lord willed.  I honestly did not. I prayed that the Lord would either 1) change my heart or 2) change his heart…Well, my heart was the one that needed to change.  While adopting is an AMAZING thing from the Lord, so are biological children. And more than that…My heart was stubborn and I had decided that I knew best. The Lord changed my heart to be open to what He wants for our family. I began to change my statement about children to "I want what the Lord wants for our family" and I really did.

I didn't really know what I was signing up for.  I kinda thought that the way it works is once you make that decision and start trying to have a child, you get pregnant and have a child. Not true. We tried for a year. Nothing happened. I began to wonder if this was the path God even wanted us on. In March, we got pregnant and lost the baby at 6 weeks.  This was earth-shattering.  It took me awhile to admit it, but in my heart I started to believe that God had abandoned me.  Why would he let this happen after all we've been through with the adoption...After he had literally changed my heart about having biological children? Why did it seem everyone around me was pregnant?

I lived here for a few months. It was miserable. I knew that God's word tells me he will never forsake me. I knew that he uses everything for my good. I know those verses. I tried to pound them into my head. I couldn't shake the thoughts and feelings.  I didn't realize that God wanted me to be REAL with him..bring my REAL feelings, REAL thoughts, and to cry out for Him to help me really believe those things and trust Him. 

Then God blew my mind. I was getting ready to go to Windy Gap as a young life leader with 6 senior girls. The trip felt daunting as I was in a sad, miserable, confused place with the Lord. I finally admitted to God where I was and cried out for His help. I asked him to help me to believe the things that in my head I knew (he would not abandon me, he does everything in love towards his children). I felt like I had absolutely nothing to offer these girls. I had no love to give, no wise words, just a broken heart.  God used that in incredible ways. I was real with them about where I was. I admitted my pain, sin, and sadness.  Then I watched God do amazing things in them. They too began admitting their places of pain, sin, and sadness.. those places that no one likes to talk about but instead to medicate with things of this world. We cried out for God together. He answered. I watched 2 of my friends meet Jesus and begin a relationship with him. I watched all of them understand the gospel more deeply. I watched walls come tumbling down. I watched girls cry out for their rescuer, and some of them for the first time.  Many of those girls were different people from when they got on the bus to when they stepped off. Praise the Lord!

I believe God let me experience this at Windy Gap to remind me that he really won't forsake me.  He really will use all things for my good.  He wanted me to see that He does allow me to experience pain and suffering, and he always does that in love. That might seem crazy, but it's true. God is not done with this part of my story yet, but he has allowed me to see glimpses of how he uses even terrible things to make me more like Jesus and cling to Him, my only hope.

Back to that song…Jesus is better….If there is anything I could say to summarize what the Lord has done in my heart with all of this craziness, sadness, pain….it's that He has shown me and allowed me to believe that He is better. He is better than bringing home our children from Ethiopia. He is better than me getting pregnant and having a biological child. He is better than a comfortable, pain-free life. He is better. Oh Lord, make my heart believe THAT.

I so easily begin to believe that if I don't have ________, my life is not satisfying or good.  Right now, that _______ is children. It seems once you hit 27, you need children. At 16, it's a boyfriend. At 17, it's a good ACT score and acceptance to your college of choice. At 23, it is a husband.  At 30, it might be a new house. At 35, it will be well-behaved children.  At 40, it will be a super successful career…..etc. etc. etc.

This is a straight-up lie. Satisfaction comes from knowing God deeply. From trusting God deeply.    

Jesus is better. Make my heart believe.