Jesus is better… Lord, make my heart believe.

That song. It's sooo full of truth. If you aren't familiar with it, here are some of the lyrics..

In all my sorrows, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
In all my victories, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
Than any comfort, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
More than all riches, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
Our souls declaring, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
Our song eternal, Jesus is better - make my heart believe

Glory, glory, we have no other king
But Jesus Lord of all

And that's exactly where I am..beginning to believe and live those words in life right now. JESUS IS BETTER. 

It's been a long 3 years.  3 years ago in May, Paul and I went to Ethiopia for the first time on a mission trip.  We fell in love with the country and people and knew the Lord told us our children were there.  We knew it wouldn't be an easy process, but we obeyed. When we submitted our paperwork in June 2012, it was about a 24 month wait until referral (seeing your children's medical info and picture for the first time). We have now been waiting 24 months to see those sweet faces for the first time, and the wait is now 36-42 months.  I could get into the details of that, but I won't at this time. It's so unsure. It's so scary. It's so not comfortable. It's so heartbreaking.

That's part of the story.

The other part of the story is that the Lord literally changed my heart a year ago. I never thought I would have biological children, because I desired to have a house full of adopted children.  One day Paul told me he also desired biological children if the Lord willed.  I honestly did not. I prayed that the Lord would either 1) change my heart or 2) change his heart…Well, my heart was the one that needed to change.  While adopting is an AMAZING thing from the Lord, so are biological children. And more than that…My heart was stubborn and I had decided that I knew best. The Lord changed my heart to be open to what He wants for our family. I began to change my statement about children to "I want what the Lord wants for our family" and I really did.

I didn't really know what I was signing up for.  I kinda thought that the way it works is once you make that decision and start trying to have a child, you get pregnant and have a child. Not true. We tried for a year. Nothing happened. I began to wonder if this was the path God even wanted us on. In March, we got pregnant and lost the baby at 6 weeks.  This was earth-shattering.  It took me awhile to admit it, but in my heart I started to believe that God had abandoned me.  Why would he let this happen after all we've been through with the adoption...After he had literally changed my heart about having biological children? Why did it seem everyone around me was pregnant?

I lived here for a few months. It was miserable. I knew that God's word tells me he will never forsake me. I knew that he uses everything for my good. I know those verses. I tried to pound them into my head. I couldn't shake the thoughts and feelings.  I didn't realize that God wanted me to be REAL with him..bring my REAL feelings, REAL thoughts, and to cry out for Him to help me really believe those things and trust Him. 

Then God blew my mind. I was getting ready to go to Windy Gap as a young life leader with 6 senior girls. The trip felt daunting as I was in a sad, miserable, confused place with the Lord. I finally admitted to God where I was and cried out for His help. I asked him to help me to believe the things that in my head I knew (he would not abandon me, he does everything in love towards his children). I felt like I had absolutely nothing to offer these girls. I had no love to give, no wise words, just a broken heart.  God used that in incredible ways. I was real with them about where I was. I admitted my pain, sin, and sadness.  Then I watched God do amazing things in them. They too began admitting their places of pain, sin, and sadness.. those places that no one likes to talk about but instead to medicate with things of this world. We cried out for God together. He answered. I watched 2 of my friends meet Jesus and begin a relationship with him. I watched all of them understand the gospel more deeply. I watched walls come tumbling down. I watched girls cry out for their rescuer, and some of them for the first time.  Many of those girls were different people from when they got on the bus to when they stepped off. Praise the Lord!

I believe God let me experience this at Windy Gap to remind me that he really won't forsake me.  He really will use all things for my good.  He wanted me to see that He does allow me to experience pain and suffering, and he always does that in love. That might seem crazy, but it's true. God is not done with this part of my story yet, but he has allowed me to see glimpses of how he uses even terrible things to make me more like Jesus and cling to Him, my only hope.

Back to that song…Jesus is better….If there is anything I could say to summarize what the Lord has done in my heart with all of this craziness, sadness, pain….it's that He has shown me and allowed me to believe that He is better. He is better than bringing home our children from Ethiopia. He is better than me getting pregnant and having a biological child. He is better than a comfortable, pain-free life. He is better. Oh Lord, make my heart believe THAT.

I so easily begin to believe that if I don't have ________, my life is not satisfying or good.  Right now, that _______ is children. It seems once you hit 27, you need children. At 16, it's a boyfriend. At 17, it's a good ACT score and acceptance to your college of choice. At 23, it is a husband.  At 30, it might be a new house. At 35, it will be well-behaved children.  At 40, it will be a super successful career…..etc. etc. etc.

This is a straight-up lie. Satisfaction comes from knowing God deeply. From trusting God deeply.    

Jesus is better. Make my heart believe.