"God uses all things for our good"

This post is probably not going to be what you are expecting. The Caroline a year ago would have a very different blog post about that verse in the title than the Caroline does sitting here right now. Let me explain. A year ago (or 5 years ago), I could have told you what Romans 8:28 said "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." I could tell you that God uses EVERYTHING including suffering to make us more like Jesus. I know this "head truth" very well. I often looked at others' suffering and thought about how they needed to know this truth. It was that easy. If you know this truth or believe this truth, then suffering makes sense and you should be ok because you should just "trust God."

I sit here writing this blog post with a very different understanding about that verse. Do I still believe that God uses everything, including suffering, for my good? Yes. However, I do not believe that simply  believing this truth makes everything make sense or makes everything better. If I am honest, I didn't think much about God's heart in this verse. It was more just a truth that I easily accepted, because I had not been through any experiences to make me struggle with the implications of actually accepting it as a truth in my life.

Now after 3 years of waiting for our Ethiopian babe, year and a half of trying to have a biological child, and a miscarriage, this verse is not as easy to swallow. I cannot easily accept it. It brings me to a place of confusion, sadness, and seeking the Lord for answers. You see: "This is for your good" is a terrifying statement without an understanding of the one's heart who makes this promise. This is where the Lord has me….seeking to know my Father's heart behind this verse.

When you are hurting, the world tries to put a band-aid on you to make you feel better. The typical human response is to say something to the effect of "it will get better," "God has a plan," "Don't worry..you are so young. You have plenty of time." etc. I think the reason we respond this way is because we don't want to go to the hard places and struggle with the Lord. It's easier to offer up a word of encouragement and move on than to cry tears and place ourselves in someone's shoes who is suffering. The problem with this ignoring and avoiding pain is….it's a bandaid. While I know we have good intentions in trying to make people feel better in their suffering, it is not what we so desperately need. We need Jesus. We need to know and trust our Father's heart in the midst of suffering.

Here's what Jesus says. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:3-4

Who are the poor in spirit? Those who know they bring nothing to the table but brokenness and desperate need. Those who know they cannot hold on to God, but need God to hold on to them. Those who have come to the end of themselves and know they are not "more Godly than" or "more religious than" but simply are broken and honest about how much they need a rescuer.

So why do we try to help people out of being "poor in spirit" and keep them from "mourning?" Because it's uncomfortable. Because it's painful. But, it's where we find Jesus.

I love how Brennan Manning says it in The Ragamuffin Gospel.

"Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. It does not distance us from God, but draws us to Him-as nothing else can-and opens us anew to the flow of grace. While Jesus calls each of us to a more perfect life, we cannot achieve it on our own. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace. It is only through grace that any of us could dare to hope that we could become more like Christ."(GRACE=God's unmerited favor toward us)

I have never in my life doubted God's goodness as much as I have the past year. I have never struggled to believe his promises as much as I have this past year. I have never cried as many tears as I have this past year. I have never struggled with God's faithfulness as I have this past year. I have never had to rely on the fact that my right standing before God is based on Jesus's perfect obedience and sacrifice in my place as much as I have this past year. I have never been so grateful that my walk with Christ is about Him holding onto me and not me holding on to Him as I have this past year. I have never been so thankful that God's story throughout the bible is all about His faithfulness, and not his children's faithfulness…how his children are saved because of God's choice, God's work, God's calling, God's faithfulness..not them getting everything right.

So, currently I am asking the Lord to teach me more of His heart.

I can't pretend to understand how this season is a picture of God's faithfulness completely..I feel sad, broken, and even hopeless at times. In all of this, Jesus calls me "blessed" because I am definitely poor in spirit. I don't feel blessed a lot, but each day I am learning to trust my Father's heart more and more. I am a ragamuffin desperately needing his grace and mercy. In this season, he has made this very apparent. He has also made it very apparent that he won't leave me. He will continue to be faithful, compassionate, and pursue me with His relentless love, even when I don't feel it.

From now on, when I hear of someone else's suffering, I will take the time to listen and cry with them instead of being quick to speak. That's what we need..permission to be broken and friends to remind us that God wants the real us, with our real pain, our real brokenness, because he is our rescuer and loves us with a never-ending never-giving-up kind of love. Not because we believe him perfectly, obey him perfectly, but because He chooses to love us no matter what.

Jesus is better… Lord, make my heart believe.

That song. It's sooo full of truth. If you aren't familiar with it, here are some of the lyrics..

In all my sorrows, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
In all my victories, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
Than any comfort, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
More than all riches, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
Our souls declaring, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
Our song eternal, Jesus is better - make my heart believe

Glory, glory, we have no other king
But Jesus Lord of all

And that's exactly where I am..beginning to believe and live those words in life right now. JESUS IS BETTER. 

It's been a long 3 years.  3 years ago in May, Paul and I went to Ethiopia for the first time on a mission trip.  We fell in love with the country and people and knew the Lord told us our children were there.  We knew it wouldn't be an easy process, but we obeyed. When we submitted our paperwork in June 2012, it was about a 24 month wait until referral (seeing your children's medical info and picture for the first time). We have now been waiting 24 months to see those sweet faces for the first time, and the wait is now 36-42 months.  I could get into the details of that, but I won't at this time. It's so unsure. It's so scary. It's so not comfortable. It's so heartbreaking.

That's part of the story.

The other part of the story is that the Lord literally changed my heart a year ago. I never thought I would have biological children, because I desired to have a house full of adopted children.  One day Paul told me he also desired biological children if the Lord willed.  I honestly did not. I prayed that the Lord would either 1) change my heart or 2) change his heart…Well, my heart was the one that needed to change.  While adopting is an AMAZING thing from the Lord, so are biological children. And more than that…My heart was stubborn and I had decided that I knew best. The Lord changed my heart to be open to what He wants for our family. I began to change my statement about children to "I want what the Lord wants for our family" and I really did.

I didn't really know what I was signing up for.  I kinda thought that the way it works is once you make that decision and start trying to have a child, you get pregnant and have a child. Not true. We tried for a year. Nothing happened. I began to wonder if this was the path God even wanted us on. In March, we got pregnant and lost the baby at 6 weeks.  This was earth-shattering.  It took me awhile to admit it, but in my heart I started to believe that God had abandoned me.  Why would he let this happen after all we've been through with the adoption...After he had literally changed my heart about having biological children? Why did it seem everyone around me was pregnant?

I lived here for a few months. It was miserable. I knew that God's word tells me he will never forsake me. I knew that he uses everything for my good. I know those verses. I tried to pound them into my head. I couldn't shake the thoughts and feelings.  I didn't realize that God wanted me to be REAL with him..bring my REAL feelings, REAL thoughts, and to cry out for Him to help me really believe those things and trust Him. 

Then God blew my mind. I was getting ready to go to Windy Gap as a young life leader with 6 senior girls. The trip felt daunting as I was in a sad, miserable, confused place with the Lord. I finally admitted to God where I was and cried out for His help. I asked him to help me to believe the things that in my head I knew (he would not abandon me, he does everything in love towards his children). I felt like I had absolutely nothing to offer these girls. I had no love to give, no wise words, just a broken heart.  God used that in incredible ways. I was real with them about where I was. I admitted my pain, sin, and sadness.  Then I watched God do amazing things in them. They too began admitting their places of pain, sin, and sadness.. those places that no one likes to talk about but instead to medicate with things of this world. We cried out for God together. He answered. I watched 2 of my friends meet Jesus and begin a relationship with him. I watched all of them understand the gospel more deeply. I watched walls come tumbling down. I watched girls cry out for their rescuer, and some of them for the first time.  Many of those girls were different people from when they got on the bus to when they stepped off. Praise the Lord!

I believe God let me experience this at Windy Gap to remind me that he really won't forsake me.  He really will use all things for my good.  He wanted me to see that He does allow me to experience pain and suffering, and he always does that in love. That might seem crazy, but it's true. God is not done with this part of my story yet, but he has allowed me to see glimpses of how he uses even terrible things to make me more like Jesus and cling to Him, my only hope.

Back to that song…Jesus is better….If there is anything I could say to summarize what the Lord has done in my heart with all of this craziness, sadness, pain….it's that He has shown me and allowed me to believe that He is better. He is better than bringing home our children from Ethiopia. He is better than me getting pregnant and having a biological child. He is better than a comfortable, pain-free life. He is better. Oh Lord, make my heart believe THAT.

I so easily begin to believe that if I don't have ________, my life is not satisfying or good.  Right now, that _______ is children. It seems once you hit 27, you need children. At 16, it's a boyfriend. At 17, it's a good ACT score and acceptance to your college of choice. At 23, it is a husband.  At 30, it might be a new house. At 35, it will be well-behaved children.  At 40, it will be a super successful career…..etc. etc. etc.

This is a straight-up lie. Satisfaction comes from knowing God deeply. From trusting God deeply.    

Jesus is better. Make my heart believe.