Welp, 6 months has passed so I supposed it's time for a blog post.. :)
We expect to be officially a family of 4 with all the same last names HOPEFULLY before Thanksgiving. Obviously, we will not be putting all our eggs in that basket, but that's the plan. We are just waiting on some DCS paperwork in Nashville, and we will be getting a call soon with our court date for the adoption, which will make it final. Our kiddos will leave the court room as Fortenberrys. What a day of celebration!!!!! Praise God!!!!
As I say that it seems opposite of my ongoing inner dialogue for the past 6 months as a new mom of a preteen and 9 year old. What.the.heck.am.I.doing. is usually the phrase going through my head each night..Why? Because this stuff is CRAZY. Fostering, adopting, parenting kids of trauma...it can make you a crazy person. It is so exhausting. My babies have seen more horribleness, experienced more trauma, felt more pain, had more abandonment, neglect...etc. than I have even allowed myself to THINK of. We find out more of their story day by day. Honestly, the trauma they have experienced is not even shocking anymore. We know that we have LOTS more to learn about what they have been through, what more of their fear triggers and trauma responses are, and where else they need us to carry their burdens with them...and that's exactly what we will do until the day we die. Because they are OUR children. We choose them, even when they don't want to choose us, even when we don't FEEL like choosing them. Seven months ago I wouldn't have dared choose to parent and love kids with "this much trauma and baggage," but Jesus has done a work in my heart. He has called me to be a part of his redemption plan, and he is giving me the strength to do so. It is worth it. This is why I can celebrate our new family of 4...It's hard..It's messy...and it's a privilege.
With that said, most days Paul and I literally feel like utter failures. What are we even doing? I don't think this is a bad place to be. I think our response to when we are in that place (which is literally all day, every day) is the important part. Do we go to Jesus in prayer and beg him for help? Or do we try to muster up some strength and keep going? Usually I try to make myself stronger, I try to come up with plans, I try to change my kids, I try to change myself....It doesn't work. Why do I try to change hearts and change lives when I know that's God's work?
"To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood...." Revelation 1:5
The same MIGHTY God that brought me from death to life, awakened my heart and gave me purpose, set me free from the bondage of sin that I didn't even know I had....He's the one in charge here. And he will be faithful. He has to be. That's WHO he is.
I have absolutely nothing to offer apart from His grace, His mercy, His compassion, His patience. He is ALL I have. And he's what this whole adoption/parenting thing is about anyway. God doesn't make us parents so that we can be comfortable and live out the American dream. He makes us parents to give us another way to bring Him glory and to show the world who He is. He makes us parents to make us more like him. He makes us parents to be a part of bringing heaven to earth. He makes us parents to play another role in his kingdom. What a privilege.
One way God has encouraged Paul and me in this whole process is through the work he has done in our daughter's heart. When she moved in with us, she couldn't tell you one thing about God. She definitely did not have a relationship with Jesus, and she didn't pretend to. Since then we have had ongoing conversations about who Jesus is, and she is always so honest and raw. She never tries to pretend she gets it. She just asks questions. About a month ago after a conversation about the gospel and how we become followers of Jesus when we admit our sin and trust that he's the only one who can rescue us from our sin because of what he did on the cross...she wanted us to pray with her. She accepted Christ as her only hope. Now, I am oftentimes a little hesitant about children becoming Christians, because a lot of times it seems like an emotional response or a "trying to please mom and dad" response. Let me tell you friends. My daughter loves Jesus. She wants me to pray with her and read her bible. She hangs on to every word in it. She asks raw questions. She struggles with sin and submits to Jesus's word. She has a desire for the Lord that makes no logical sense. She was NOT brought up to love him or even know him..But GOD is bigger. He has changed her heart and has brought her from death to life. She is a daughter of God. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My favorite quote from my daughter.. K: "It's not even fair that Jesus would have to die, when he's not the one who did anything wrong."
Amen sister. That's GRACE. Which is what K's middle name will be on adoption day. :)
So here we are...a family of 4 (and very soon legally..) just trusting in His plan. Failing daily and hoping in Christ every second. He's all we have.
We expect to be officially a family of 4 with all the same last names HOPEFULLY before Thanksgiving. Obviously, we will not be putting all our eggs in that basket, but that's the plan. We are just waiting on some DCS paperwork in Nashville, and we will be getting a call soon with our court date for the adoption, which will make it final. Our kiddos will leave the court room as Fortenberrys. What a day of celebration!!!!! Praise God!!!!
As I say that it seems opposite of my ongoing inner dialogue for the past 6 months as a new mom of a preteen and 9 year old. What.the.heck.am.I.doing. is usually the phrase going through my head each night..Why? Because this stuff is CRAZY. Fostering, adopting, parenting kids of trauma...it can make you a crazy person. It is so exhausting. My babies have seen more horribleness, experienced more trauma, felt more pain, had more abandonment, neglect...etc. than I have even allowed myself to THINK of. We find out more of their story day by day. Honestly, the trauma they have experienced is not even shocking anymore. We know that we have LOTS more to learn about what they have been through, what more of their fear triggers and trauma responses are, and where else they need us to carry their burdens with them...and that's exactly what we will do until the day we die. Because they are OUR children. We choose them, even when they don't want to choose us, even when we don't FEEL like choosing them. Seven months ago I wouldn't have dared choose to parent and love kids with "this much trauma and baggage," but Jesus has done a work in my heart. He has called me to be a part of his redemption plan, and he is giving me the strength to do so. It is worth it. This is why I can celebrate our new family of 4...It's hard..It's messy...and it's a privilege.
With that said, most days Paul and I literally feel like utter failures. What are we even doing? I don't think this is a bad place to be. I think our response to when we are in that place (which is literally all day, every day) is the important part. Do we go to Jesus in prayer and beg him for help? Or do we try to muster up some strength and keep going? Usually I try to make myself stronger, I try to come up with plans, I try to change my kids, I try to change myself....It doesn't work. Why do I try to change hearts and change lives when I know that's God's work?
"To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood...." Revelation 1:5
The same MIGHTY God that brought me from death to life, awakened my heart and gave me purpose, set me free from the bondage of sin that I didn't even know I had....He's the one in charge here. And he will be faithful. He has to be. That's WHO he is.
I have absolutely nothing to offer apart from His grace, His mercy, His compassion, His patience. He is ALL I have. And he's what this whole adoption/parenting thing is about anyway. God doesn't make us parents so that we can be comfortable and live out the American dream. He makes us parents to give us another way to bring Him glory and to show the world who He is. He makes us parents to make us more like him. He makes us parents to be a part of bringing heaven to earth. He makes us parents to play another role in his kingdom. What a privilege.
One way God has encouraged Paul and me in this whole process is through the work he has done in our daughter's heart. When she moved in with us, she couldn't tell you one thing about God. She definitely did not have a relationship with Jesus, and she didn't pretend to. Since then we have had ongoing conversations about who Jesus is, and she is always so honest and raw. She never tries to pretend she gets it. She just asks questions. About a month ago after a conversation about the gospel and how we become followers of Jesus when we admit our sin and trust that he's the only one who can rescue us from our sin because of what he did on the cross...she wanted us to pray with her. She accepted Christ as her only hope. Now, I am oftentimes a little hesitant about children becoming Christians, because a lot of times it seems like an emotional response or a "trying to please mom and dad" response. Let me tell you friends. My daughter loves Jesus. She wants me to pray with her and read her bible. She hangs on to every word in it. She asks raw questions. She struggles with sin and submits to Jesus's word. She has a desire for the Lord that makes no logical sense. She was NOT brought up to love him or even know him..But GOD is bigger. He has changed her heart and has brought her from death to life. She is a daughter of God. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My favorite quote from my daughter.. K: "It's not even fair that Jesus would have to die, when he's not the one who did anything wrong."
Amen sister. That's GRACE. Which is what K's middle name will be on adoption day. :)
So here we are...a family of 4 (and very soon legally..) just trusting in His plan. Failing daily and hoping in Christ every second. He's all we have.
