Last Mother's Day was probably one of the hardest days of my life. It was a year and a half after we starting trying to have a biological child, 3 years after the Lord called us to begin our Ethiopian adoption journey, and about 2 weeks after our confirmed miscarriage. I was a wreck. I was struggling hard core to believe that God was good, faithful, merciful... I knew the scripture.."God works all things for our good," but I so doubted it in my life. I couldn't piece together how a good and faithful God could allow so much heartache, perceived hopelessness, and pain. The sayings that people said to try and help me feel better "everything happens for a reason" and "God has a plan" were less than helpful. I needed a heart transformation. That's what God did in my life.
Inside I was a mess...I knew the "God head knowledge" really well, but couldn't make myself believe it. I couldn't make myself believe the rights things (God is faithful) and to stop believing the wrong things (God is harsh, unloving, only gives me hard things, etc). During this time God showed me that he wanted the real me...masks removed...honesty...crying out for rescue. This is NOT a comfortable place for me. I seem to like ideas/beliefs/behavior that are nice, clean, and presentable. I was feeling none of those "nice and presentable" things inside. For the first time I understood that the Lord wanted me to be real about what was going on inside and was not interested or impressed by a "pretty outside" with the perfect Godly response to my suffering.
I cried out to my rescuer and He answered. God took my brokenness and doubt and replaced it with trust in His faithfulness. He showed me that I can believe his character. I can believe that He IS working all things for my good, because He is faithful and has to be..or he would cease to be God. He showed me that he cares deeply about my pain. He also showed me that he will not abandon me, because I am His adopted daughter through Christ. My relationship with Jesus grew like crazy. I stopped pretending I was ok, and I starting asking for GRACE and RESCUE..not from my circumstances but rescue from my unbelief. I wanted so desperately to believe God's promises. He changed my heart so that I could. He allowed me to see Him through the suffering. I sat and cried tears with friends who were also suffering because I knew the feeling, I was honest in a room full of my young life girls about my need for Jesus's rescue in this painful time and watched them begin relationships with our rescuer, I held on to God's character and trusted his faithfulness more than ever before because Jesus became my only hope. I was changed. Jesus did not promise children to me. He did promise he would not leave me and that He is faithful. Here's an update on what that looks like NOW.
On Good Friday (which happens to be the day I found out I was pregnant and probably miscarrying last year), two kiddos came to live with us. Through a series of CRAZY events and obvious God plans, we came to believe that another piece of God's story for our family included fostering to adopt a 9 year old girl and 12 year old boy. They swam for a swim team that one of my childhood friends coached. They went to school in my school system that I teach in and that Paul and I grew up in. Their teachers are family friends. The boy LOOKS LIKE Paul. :) We prayed for them to have family way before we thought we were that family. DCS would not approve our home because it didn't have enough rooms, so we decided to try and sell it..It sold in 12 days in the middle of a snowstorm. God told my sister they were our children the moment she saw their picture and before she knew one thing about them. A friend donated a Harley to help us pay for a house downpayment (which of course was not in our near plans). God kept telling Paul and me to "take the next step" and so we did. NEVER IN A MILLION years would have considered fostering "older kids." The list goes on and on.
Our kiddos have now been with us for a month. I can't believe how much I already love them. I can't believe that this is real life. I can't believe how exhausted and emotionally drained I am. I can't believe how faithful my Jesus is. I will continue to cry out to Him. I need my rescuer every single day. It's a sweet Mother's Day. Let me not forget God's faithfulness through it ALL.
