It's not all lollipops and smiley faces...it's better

Welp, 6 months has passed so I supposed it's time for a blog post.. :)

We expect to be officially a family of 4 with all the same last names HOPEFULLY before Thanksgiving. Obviously, we will not be putting all our eggs in that basket, but that's the plan. We are just waiting on some DCS paperwork in Nashville, and we will be getting a call soon with our court date for the adoption, which will make it final. Our kiddos will leave the court room as Fortenberrys. What a day of celebration!!!!! Praise God!!!!

As I say that it seems opposite of my ongoing inner dialogue for the past 6 months as a new mom of a preteen and 9 year old. What.the.heck.am.I.doing. is usually the phrase going through my head each night..Why? Because this stuff is CRAZY. Fostering, adopting, parenting kids of trauma...it can make you a crazy person. It is so exhausting. My babies have seen more horribleness, experienced more trauma, felt more pain, had more abandonment, neglect...etc. than I have even allowed myself to THINK of. We find out more of their story day by day. Honestly, the trauma they have experienced is not even shocking anymore. We know that we have LOTS more to learn about what they have been through, what more of their fear triggers and trauma responses are, and where else they need us to carry their burdens with them...and that's exactly what we will do until the day we die. Because they are OUR children. We choose them, even when they don't want to choose us, even when we don't FEEL like choosing them. Seven months ago I wouldn't have dared choose to parent and love kids with "this much trauma and baggage," but Jesus has done a work in my heart. He has called me to be a part of his redemption plan, and he is giving me the strength to do so. It is worth it. This is why I can celebrate our new family of 4...It's hard..It's messy...and it's a privilege.

With that said, most days Paul and I literally feel like utter failures. What are we even doing? I don't think this is a bad place to be. I think our response to when we are in that place (which is literally all day, every day) is the important part. Do we go to Jesus in prayer and beg him for help? Or do we try to muster up some strength and keep going? Usually I try to make myself stronger, I try to come up with plans, I try to change my kids, I try to change myself....It doesn't work. Why do I try to change hearts and change lives when I know that's God's work?

"To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood...." Revelation 1:5

The same MIGHTY God that brought me from death to life, awakened my heart and gave me purpose, set me free from the bondage of sin that I didn't even know I had....He's the one in charge here. And he will be faithful. He has to be. That's WHO he is.

I have absolutely nothing to offer apart from His grace, His mercy, His compassion, His patience. He is ALL I have. And he's what this whole adoption/parenting thing is about anyway. God doesn't make us parents so that we can be comfortable and live out the American dream. He makes us parents to give us another way to bring Him glory and to show the world who He is. He makes us parents to make us more like him. He makes us parents to be a part of bringing heaven to earth. He makes us parents to play another role in his kingdom. What a privilege.

One way God has encouraged Paul and me in this whole process is through the work he has done in our daughter's heart. When she moved in with us, she couldn't tell you one thing about God. She definitely did not have a relationship with Jesus, and she didn't pretend to. Since then we have had ongoing conversations about who Jesus is, and she is always so honest and raw. She never tries to pretend she gets it. She just asks questions. About a month ago after a conversation about the gospel and how we become followers of Jesus when we admit our sin and trust that he's the only one who can rescue us from our sin because of what he did on the cross...she wanted us to pray with her. She accepted Christ as her only hope. Now, I am oftentimes a little hesitant about children becoming Christians, because a lot of times it seems like an emotional response or a "trying to please mom and dad" response. Let me tell you friends. My daughter loves Jesus. She wants me to pray with her and read her bible. She hangs on to every word in it. She asks raw questions. She struggles with sin and submits to Jesus's word. She has a desire for the Lord that makes no logical sense. She was NOT brought up to love him or even know him..But GOD is bigger. He has changed her heart and has brought her from death to life. She is a daughter of God. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My favorite quote from my daughter.. K: "It's not even fair that Jesus would have to die, when he's not the one who did anything wrong."

Amen sister. That's GRACE. Which is what K's middle name will be on adoption day. :)

So here we are...a family of 4 (and very soon legally..) just trusting in His plan. Failing daily and hoping in Christ every second. He's all we have.

Mother's Day

Last Mother's Day was probably one of the hardest days of my life. It was a year and a half after we starting trying to have a biological child, 3 years after the Lord called us to begin our Ethiopian adoption journey, and about 2 weeks after our confirmed miscarriage. I was a wreck. I was struggling hard core to believe that God was good, faithful, merciful... I knew the scripture.."God works all things for our good," but I so doubted it in my life. I couldn't piece together how a good and faithful God could allow so much heartache, perceived hopelessness, and pain. The sayings that people said to try and help me feel better "everything happens for a reason" and "God has a plan" were less than helpful. I needed a heart transformation. That's what God did in my life.

Inside I was a mess...I knew the "God head knowledge" really well, but couldn't make myself believe it. I couldn't make myself believe the rights things (God is faithful) and to stop believing the wrong things (God is harsh, unloving, only gives me hard things, etc). During this time God showed me that he wanted the real me...masks removed...honesty...crying out for rescue. This is NOT a comfortable place for me. I seem to like ideas/beliefs/behavior that are nice, clean, and presentable. I was feeling none of those "nice and presentable" things inside. For the first time I understood that the Lord wanted me to be real about what was going on inside and was not interested or impressed by a "pretty outside" with the perfect Godly response to my suffering.

I cried out to my rescuer and He answered. God took my brokenness and doubt and replaced it with trust in His faithfulness. He showed me that I can believe his character. I can believe that He IS working all things for my good, because He is faithful and has to be..or he would cease to be God. He showed me that he cares deeply about my pain. He also showed me that he will not abandon me, because I am His adopted daughter through Christ. My relationship with Jesus grew like crazy. I stopped pretending I was ok, and I starting asking for GRACE and RESCUE..not from my circumstances but rescue from my unbelief. I wanted so desperately to believe God's promises. He changed my heart so that I could. He allowed me to see Him through the suffering. I sat and cried tears with friends who were also suffering because I knew the feeling, I was honest in a room full of my young life girls about my need for Jesus's rescue in this painful time and watched them begin relationships with our rescuer, I held on to God's character and trusted his faithfulness more than ever before because Jesus became my only hope. I was changed. Jesus did not promise children to me. He did promise he would not leave me and that He is faithful. Here's an update on what that looks like NOW.

On Good Friday (which happens to be the day I found out I was pregnant and probably miscarrying last year), two kiddos came to live with us. Through a series of CRAZY events and obvious God plans, we came to believe that another piece of God's story for our family included fostering to adopt a 9 year old girl and 12 year old boy. They swam for a swim team that one of my childhood friends coached. They went to school in my school system that I teach in and that Paul and I grew up in. Their teachers are family friends. The boy LOOKS LIKE Paul. :) We prayed for them to have family way before we thought we were that family. DCS would not approve our home because it didn't have enough rooms, so we decided to try and sell it..It sold in 12 days in the middle of a snowstorm. God told my sister they were our children the moment she saw their picture and before she knew one thing about them. A friend donated a Harley to help us pay for a house downpayment (which of course was not in our near plans). God kept telling Paul and me to "take the next step" and so we did. NEVER IN A MILLION years would have considered fostering "older kids." The list goes on and on. 

Our kiddos have now been with us for a month. I can't believe how much I already love them. I can't believe that this is real life. I can't believe how exhausted and emotionally drained I am. I can't believe how faithful my Jesus is. I will continue to cry out to Him. I need my rescuer every single day. It's a sweet Mother's Day. Let me not forget God's faithfulness through it ALL.