It's worth it.

I feel like if there is 1 common word I have used in all of my blog posts about our adoption it's "hope". I think that's pretty amazing that "hope" is the word God has placed on my heart more than any other. Don't get me wrong, it's definitely not the only word I could use to describe our adoption journey. Here are some more: hard, exhausting, lonely, the list goes on..

But HOPE..that's the one He keeps bringing me back to.

Last night Paul and I went to see Catching Fire (I know I'm a little late on that one..I really didn't want to see it). But, I'm so glad I did. As I left the movie, I was filled with hope. That's why we love the Hunger Games. Katniss is a symbol of hope- hope that this is not how it has to be. In her world, people desperately needed hope, and she gave that to them. We LOVE that story.

Why do we love that story? Because in our world we desperately need hope, too. It doesn't take much looking around to find brokenness and perceived hopelessness. This week I have cried tears with a friend whose world feels like it's crashing down. And I have been there and felt that pain too..more than once.

With all of that in my heart and mind, God is faithful in reminding me that hope is exactly what He offers. In this advent season, as we prepare our hearts and reflect on the coming of our rescuer, we can be filled with hope. This hope is not like a medication to make things feel better for a little while, but it's an eternal hope. It can't stop. It will never stop. Even when our world feels like it's falling apart and it's hard, exhausting, and lonely…this hope is still there…How? Because God's story that started at the beginning of time and climaxes with a baby in a manger is the perfect story of hope that will ever be told, and it's TRUE.

So, back to our adoption journey. When I start to feel the pain of a 18 month (and counting) wait to bring home our child(ren) who have probably never gotten the opportunity to know what family or love is, God has been faithful in reminding me of this eternal hope. I can cling to THE perfect story of hope when he came to Earth to rescue me from darkness…darkness in this world and darkness in my heart.

A lot of times it's easy to focus on "getting our children home" instead of allowing ourselves to see and experience the bigger picture. Our adoption is not about bringing orphans home. Our adoption is about responding to a call from the Lord to adopt for HIS glory. Recently, he has given me snapshots of what this can look like. He has used adoption to change my heart that is so focused on "Caroline" to be more of a heart that is focused on making much of Him. He has also given me opportunities to tell his story of hope (the gospel) to people who are simply asking about adoption. There is no way I can talk about our adoption without talking about our purpose in it: to point to the perfect story of OUR adoption through Christ. That story is…the darkness in my heart I was talking about earlier separates me from God because he is perfect and holy and in him is no darkness. So because of his unending, never-giving up love, he came to earth to make a way for me to know him. He lived a perfect life and became the perfect sacrifice (because He is sinless) to His father for MY sins. He was willingly punished and killed for my sin. And because He has given me the grace to trust in His finished work, I know my Father. Not only do I know him.. But I am his ADOPTED daughter, forever. This is the story I have gotten to tell over and over again because of our long wait in this process.

My hope is not in bringing home our children anytime soon (though I do wish that would happen). My hope is in my father who has adopted me, who is using this adoption to change my heart, who is giving me the opportunity in the wait to answer people's question "Why in the world are you doing this?" with "because it has been done for me"

It's worth it.

Fighting to remember

Last week I got the chance to have dinner with two friends that I have missed terribly. They encouraged me to keep writing, which I needed..I told them I felt like I didn't know if I should continue to blog because there was no end in sight with this adoption process, and I didn't want people to get tired of hearing me talk about it. As I thought about my reasoning, I realized that what I was saying is I know what people want..they want to hear that our children are on their way home and will be home in "x" amount of time. That seems like the best possible scenario and a happy ending that makes sense to us. More often than not that's what I want too. So since I can't say that and won't be able to say that for awhile, I felt like I didn't have anything to say. Well, thankfully God uses friends to encourage me towards Him and to focus on what He thinks, not what everyone around me thinks (or what I perceive people to think).

So here it goes :)

Recently I have been thinking a lot about who I am and how I was meant to live. For some reason, for my whole life I have clung on to WHATEVER I perceived to be around the corner for me (new jobs, new purchases, new relationships, our adoption) and literally focused all my attention on that THING. How tiring and small of an existence. I was meant to live a BIG life, full of meaning and purpose found only in Him. I so easily forget who God is and who He has made me to be. Recently, the Lord has whispered to me: "Be content. I will never forsake you. You are chosen and precious." (Hebrews 13:5, 1 Peter 2:4)
So why do I grab on to whatever I think might be around the corner for me in life? Because I haven't taken God at His word. I AM CHOSEN AND PRECIOUS and my life is meant to be a living sacrifice to Him. That's where freedom is found..living a life for my Creator. I was meant to live with Him and for Him.

"As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to OFFER SPIRITUAL SACRIFICES acceptable to God through Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 2:4-5

How amazing that God's word says that we can offer spiritual sacrifices to Him...All things can be done to God's pleasure and glory because of Jesus!!

So, where does this leave me in the adoption process? With hope. For awhile my hope was in the fact that we would get to bring our child(ren) home in 16ish months..which changed to 20ish months,which changed to 30ish months...which changed to..well, who knows and you get the picture.

You can imagine what sort of basket case I was inside (and still fight against). There is literally no end in sight. A couple weeks ago, U.S. immigrations and Ethiopia put in another safeguard in the adoption process that will slow down Ethiopia adoptions even more. (right now we've been told 30 months..that's without the extra safeguard) So no one knows how much this new piece of required paperwork will slow down adoptions..We've heard some estimates of 6 additional months. But we all know what 6 months turns into.   :)

So in the midst of this, hope might sound crazy to you. Because I promise there is no hope in this crazy international unknown process. That's where the good news comes in. God has changed me. Over the past 2 years since we set out on this journey, God has walked with me and literally carried me through this. He has promised to never leave me. He has promised to use it ALL for my good. There is NOTHING in life I want more than to be more like Jesus. It is the cry of my heart. I want to know my LORD more and more and more, and I want to be molded into Jesus more and more. Luckily, that is a promise that God has given me. He WILL show me more and more of himself and make me more and more like Jesus. This is where my hope is.

If the purpose of my life is to know my God and be made more like Him until I meet Him face to face, then bring on the wait. Bring on whatever is necessary for that to happen in my heart. Are there moments when I just want my babies home? YES! But it's not where my hope is. My hope is in Him and His promises. My life's purpose is NOT to adopt. My life's purpose is to know my God and live for Him. Is adoption pleasing to him? YES, but worrying and making adoption my purpose instead of Him, is not pleasing to Him. So, here I stand in this constant battle. I am ready to be a mommy to our unknown children that are soo real in my heart. I am ready to bring them home and show them what family means. I AM READY. But, I am also bowing my knee to the one who knows what I NEED and what is NECESSARY in my life right now. I can trust Him because He is God and He is good.

PS thanks for all the help with the yard sale! We made $1,500! We are getting closer! Since we don't know if we are adopting 1 or 2 children, we aren't sure how much more money we need. So far, we have about $14,000 saved up and expect to need about $24,000. So, we we are wanting to save another $10,000 to be ready for that referral! :) We appreciate your generosity so much.

Easter can not come soon enough.

I know this blog normally is about our adoption process but this is on my heart and wanted to share it. My prayer is that it would bring you the same HOPE that it brought me. This week has been really hard. I feel like everything around me makes me want to cry. I couldn't put my finger on one thing..it really feels like everything. My heart hurts and I am surprised (and my husband is probably too) that I still have tears in my tear ducts. As I look around at the world you and I live in- it's full of sadness, full of sin, full of rebellion and hatred..and then I take a look inside me and see my own sadness, my own sin, my own rebellion and hatred..constantly putting myself first, wanting what I want and not what God wants, wanting to be the center of attention instead of Him, wanting what's best for me instead of my neighbor. I fall short again and again- I miss the mark of His perfect standard again and again. It feels hopeless.

Then you remind me... My God is not dead. He is ALIVE. You died for this sin and hopelessness. I have a new name. I am your child. All by the blood of the perfect lamb-JESUS. I don't have to stay in this terrible place-you bring HOPE. Hope of new life-life to the full, a life of joy and meaning found only in you. You have taken my sin and exchanged it for righteousness. I am no longer a slave. I'm your daughter.

With this being true, I CANNOT wait for Easter morning.